After my night shift yesterday, I picked up some breakfast (aka. drive-thru Timmies) on the way home in the morning. Showered, ate my food and did some translating until I finally got into bed at 10AM. Slept for 3ish hours (but honestly felt like I had barely fallen asleep) and then got up to meet up with friend for movie (Kingsman 2). Been having a lot of troubles with sleeping past few months. Both because of the alternating 12 hour day and night shifts, as well as the stress of preceptorship.

Dinner was sukiyaki with another friend, which was nice. The weather got really cold this week.
Friend was really kind to listen to my 愚痴 and my seemingly never resolving quarterlife crisis of what to do with my life. (Really thankful for all my friends who have been so patient with listening to me hash and re-hash the same problem I’ve been mulling over for two years now… Thank you ;~;)

After we part ways, instead of heading home and calling it a night, I ended up just going for an hour long drive by myself. At first I was just driving around my neighbourhood, but then I looped around to the airport, and then eventually took the highway and then went all the way downtown before finally heading back home. I like driving at night. When there aren’t too many cars and I can listen to my music and have time for my own thoughts. I was hoping by the end of the drive, I’ll be able to make a decision or at least be a little bit closer to making one.

Nope. Didn’t happen.
I came out with my heart feeling even more torn between my choices and myself feeling even more alone.

If anything, I feel like I’m even further away from making my decision. It’s legit a battle between my practical side, the realist inside me, and what I want.
Realistically, I should just stay here and keep going down the path of my nursing career.
But my heart really fucking wants to try living in Japan.
It’s not even just about fandom anymore (of course, I won’t lie and say that it is a big part of it). But I’ve just always loved the country itself. Yes, it’s not all perfect with rainbows and sparkles. There are many things about the country/culture that I might not necessarily agree with. But I still love it. And I can’t explain.

But is my love and wish for trying to live in a different country really worth throwing away everything that I’ve worked so hard towards.

I can’t pursue a career in nursing. And neither am I sure I would want to do nursing there even if I could.
At the moment, I don’t have any particular marketable skills that could give me a career in Japan that would be as stable a future as my nursing career here would.

I keep going back and forth between leaving or staying.
Every time I feel like I’ve “made my mind” or am leaning towards one side, the other side of my brain/heart will speak up.

Staying here and pursuing my future in the nursing field will give me enough disposable income that I’d be able to travel to Japan often enough.
But I wouldn’t be able to experience living there, no.
But maybe just vacationing there will be enough to satisfy that desire?

At the moment of writing, I’m contemplating first trying out nursing for a year at least. And then re-evaluate my life/options then. And see.
That is… Provided someone will hire me.