2017 hadn’t been the greatest year for me.
I don’t like to complain too much because I know I’m already very blessed and am grateful for what I have (I’ll whine a lot to my friends though. oops), but I think with it being the start of a new year, it’d be nice to look back and reflect so I can start afresh!

Let’s start with the bad…

Nursing school sucked the light and happiness out of me…

With it being the third and final year, that means I also had preceptorship. I was so stressed and depressed all the time. I was no longer sure (hadn’t been sure) if nursing was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. My final preceptorship was on a cancer unit and that was really difficult. Don’t get me wrong. I learned SO MUCH during my two preceptorships spanning across 4 months. It was challenging. Both physically and mentally draining. But I learnt A LOT.

Emotionally, this year was probably the lowest I’ve been ever…

I think… I’ve cried more in this one year than all the years in my adult life combined. I’m normally quite stoic. People who don’t know me well might think I appear quite emotionless/level-headed. So for me to be crying all the time PROBABLY wasn’t a good sign.

I lost both of my dogs this year within months of each other…

Both of our dogs were senior dogs (ages 15 and 13) and both had medical issues at this point. They’ve had a full life. But we ended up having to put both of them down. We put Duc Duc, the 15 year old Pekingese, down (my favorite. yes, i picked favorites) before my summer trip to Japan. And then when I came back. After my third shift on the cancer unit, we put Richie (14 year old miniature schnauzer) down. It was right after my second day shift and right before my first night shift of the set. I was really, really sad both times. I went in and stayed with them while it happened and bawled the entire time.

I’ve had some drama/difficulties in regards to my personal relationships…

Let’s just say that it’s been tough to say the least.

Quarter-life crisis still going strong…

I’ve had what I’ve been calling my “quarter-life crisis” for over two years now where I have no fucking clue what I’m doing with my life and what I want. I just want to be happy. But that’s so broad that it’s really effing difficult to achieve. But right now, I’ve kind of reached the cross-road where I HAVE to make a decision. And this entire year has been leading up to it as the deadline kept looming closer. I’m still not entirely certain about my decision and what is the right thing to do. I am no where even remotely close to where I had thought I would be in my life ten years ago. I still haven’t got a clue and most times I feel useless and with no purpose I feel like I’m wasting my life away.

Maybe we’ll move on to the GOOD things!

I finished my nursing degree!

I’ve now obtained my second degree. Bachelor of Science in Nursing! No more school! Yay! More importantly, no more nursing school!! I still have to study and write my licensing exam but… at least I have no more classes, clinical, projects, papers, test, assignments etc.

I got to travel lots!

I went to Japan in the summer, then Hawaii in the winter, followed by Japan. So the second Japan trip ran into the new year, but let’s just lump it into 2017 otherwise there wouldn’t be much else for me to say for good things having happened.

Fandom!

I’m so thankful that I got to see Mitsu in Anchan. And then also Kisumai in Music Colosseum. And in January, Busaiku, which we’re going to pretend it can be lumped into 2017. After these two trips, I feel like I was able to get closer and get to know some of the fandom friends that I’ve made better.

I got to know myself better!

For parts of my trip (the last one in its entirety), I traveled alone. Which was good and bad, but mostly good. I was spending a lot of time by myself, in a foreign place, and it gave me time to really think about myself and focus on me. Which leads me to…

Reflection

So after that, let’s reflect on what I’ve learnt in 2017…

I realized that while I might be an independent 人見知り introvert, I can also be 寂しがり屋. I don’t like people, but I also want friends. It’s like how I’m independent and like to do things my way at my own pace, but I’d also like to be taken cared of. I think I’m just bad at being alone. But I think I’m getting better at it.

I feel like this year, I haven’t been a good enough person sometimes. And I wish I could be a better person. I want to work on this this year.

I know I need to stop always being so emotionally invested in certain things because it just ends up making me upset. I need to learn to let go. That sometimes, some things are just not worth getting upset over. I need to learn how to not let it affect me so much. I haven’t been my usual positive self in 2017 and this should change this year.

I need to learn how to take better care of myself. Both emotionally and physically. I know when I have too much free time, I get depressed, so I like to keep busy. But I need to learn how to find a comfortable, healthy balance. Also, as I’m getting older, I’m feeling the importance of physical health. I want to be more diligent in my skin care. And I need to get back on an exercise regime and start going back to my gym and also to kickboxing. My self-esteem has never been that high. I have random spurts of self-confidence at times, but it’s been pretty low consistently… So I need to work on myself! So I can feel better about myself!

2018 is going to be a year of BIG changes for me. In essence, one chapter of my life ended in 2017 so the next chapter is starting this year.
I’m determined to make it a better year than the last.

There will be changes that I’m scared of. And I’ll worry if I’m making the right decisions or not.

But this year I’m going to be a better person.